we are the sea

I have loved

Tue, 07 May 2013 22:26:00 -0700

I am three years old and I watch you bury your fists into my mother. You only stop when she falls to the ground but then you start to kick her into the wall and I am screaming and it is the first time i am aware that I have a voice and I have the power to do something so I throw myself in front of her and you walk away like nothing happened.

I am four or five and I kiss you behind the pew at church until you try to take off my clothes and somewhere inside of me there is a voice that tells me not to kiss you anymore.

I am ten and you are the first boy I ever used my wit to charm but you ask Katie to be your girlfriend and I shove her into a fence until she cries.

I am twelve and you are almost sixteen and I get my first real kiss in your basement bedroom with your whole family peeking in through the window. At the skate place your friends ask me to give you a blowjob and I hide in the bathroom. I move to another town and you dump me for my best friend two weeks later. This is the first time I have ever cried over a boy that wasn’t my father.

I am fourteen and I am embarrassed to love you so I hold hands with other boys until you persuade me to give you a chance. Your mouth is soft and I kiss you in front of my bus after school so everyone can see. You get upset and shove me out of a desk and into a cement wall. You dump me after your Christmas vacation to California and then leave messages on my answering machine for three days begging me to take you back. I think part of me loved you until the day I found out you got married.

I am almost fifteen and somehow you have become my best friend in the span of two or three months. Your myspace blog is filled with song lyrics or poems you wrote, so I start to write to impress you. You come to my mother’s wedding and we get drunk and sleep at my friend’s house. You tell me you love me and try to put your hands inside my swim suit bottoms. We kiss until we fall asleep. We stop being friends after that. I never missed you, but I am grateful for your inspiration.

I am seventeen when I discover Omegle and meet you. You’re impressed by my correct usage of grammar and punctuation on this website and I am impressed by everything about you. You are seven years older than me and I want desperately for you to love me. You are incredibly intelligent and sarcastic and handsome. It is the first time I picture someone’s face while I touch myself at night. I tell you I love you and you tell me you do not have any feelings for me. I dream about you for years after you stop talking to me.

I am nineteen and we talk briefly on Omegle. I forget about you as soon as I add you as a friend on Skype.
I am twenty and as I clean out my Skype I see your name. I am hungover and sweaty and have nothing to lose so I video call you and we talk for a bit. You are cute and awkward and I immediately like you. everything moves quickly and I am scared of the things I feel for you sometimes. Nothing has ever compared to how you make me feel; like I am flying and you are my wings. You are the blood that beats hot through my heart and I think I have been looking for you my entire life. I will love you until I am no more.

I don’t want to talk about the things I am feeling I don’t want to write about his soft...

Wed, 01 May 2013 00:27:36 -0700

I don’t want to talk about the things I am feeling
I don’t want to write about his soft eyes and the way his smile gives me goosebumps
I don’t want to think about how soft his lips will be and how even if they are cracked and bleeding and so chapped it will still be the most perfect kiss of my life
I don’t want to write about how I will be going about my day and it will just hit me how much I need him
You don’t want to hear about how in bed at night my body feels so alone like I have been waiting for him my entire life
You don’t want to read what I have to say about how much I want him and how I ache for him all of the time
I am an empty basket,
an eggless carton,
an untied ribbon,
a bike without wheels forgotten in the garage,
I am a dusty attic waiting to be rediscovered and
soon he will discover every part of me.

I took my ragged bitten fingernails and dug them into the things I like least about myself until I...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 01:09:47 -0700

I took my ragged bitten fingernails and dug them into the things I like least about myself until I was wrist deep on my own flesh and then I ripped away what I thought was every bad thing inside of me, thinking they were parasitic things that I could cut away if I bleed enough they will be no more but after I burned the bloody pieces I could feel them in the back of my head, behind my eyes and in my ears I could hear them calling to me, you will never be rid of us we are as a part of you as your fingers and toes and you can keep mutilating yourself but we will always be here you cannot run from yourself

Sleep crazy

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 01:32:05 -0700

I have tasted raspberries that were not as sweet as your kiss
I have cried for years and
I have cried for miles
I have cried rivers and lakes that support thriving ecosystems
And I have cried oceans of lava and ash like the mountain
I have destroyed lives and families
But I have never broken a heart
I have never caused a life to be lost
But I have tried to take one
I am a colony of a million ants
I am a tornado of fury and ice
I have been here and I have been missing for the past eight month look for me on milk cartons
I am a hive of bees protecting a queen
I am a mother protecting a child
I am everything
I am nothing

Not over it

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 01:24:09 -0700

hand that slap and fingers that pinch and scratch
pushing me backwards until I collapse in the grave they dug for me
they do not even take the effort to finish the job
surprised when I dig myself deeper into the mud and muck
as if they expected me to crawl from this pit alone with its loose dirt walls
deep enough that I cannot reach up and grab the edge
surprised that I am not fine
as if they didn’t know they were leaving me to die alone

Djgkydfgouy

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 01:20:33 -0800

reach inside of me into the soft vulnerable spaces between my bones where i have hidden the things that hurt me. take them in your hands and crush them between your slender fingers until i am no longer afraid. slide your key into the emptiness of the things i have locked away until i am no longer myself and we are a single beautiful wild thing. my heart will beat loudly in our chest while you gather up our tears with your hands and we will keep them safe under the blanket of our skin away from the ones intent on taking our pain to use against us. I will gather beautiful things for you and you will finds soft sweet music for me, the kind that makes me ache in a good way, and we will be together and in love like no one has ever been in love before

i flinch when i hearthose nameslike a flowerclosing its petalsputting itself to sleepwhen the sun...

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 22:56:00 -0800

i flinch when i hear
those names
like a flower
closing its petals
putting itself to sleep
when the sun goes to bed
i curl in on myself
i can feel the walls
of my heart
growing thick like wax
my eyes grow heavy
with the things i don’t
want to cry about
my mouth feels
like the driest beach
but then you reach
inside of me
with hands so warm
that they melt the walls
of my heart
you whisper things
that lift the weight
i have been carrying
off of my shoulders
and you kiss my mouth
until i cannot even
imagine anything
could hurt me

i get sad when i'm trying to sleep

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 13:14:00 -0800

I miss you a lot of the time. I miss your easy laugh and I miss the way you made her eyes light up when you walked into a room. I miss how thoughtful you were, you brought her little gifts that meant so much, each accompanied by a story. I miss the way you made her feel, so happy and content, and the way her happiness reached out to each of us and brought us our own joy in return. I miss the way you were a part of us, like a piece we didn’t know was missing and now that you’re gone it is so obvious. I miss your tireless energy and your determination to do everything that needed to be done until you were dead on your feet. And even then you were so sweet and upbeat. I miss the easy banter between she and you. I miss listening to her laugh and compare stories about you both being military brats but living on opposite sides of the earth. I miss waking in the morning to you just being there because that’s where you belonged, with us in our old house and our beaten down barn that you so diligently worked to restore. You belong with us.

i found this in my drafts wow talking about periods cool

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 07:03:59 -0800

that night she swore she grew claws
she felt her cuticles peel back
stretching around her thick new nails
she felt them rip the suffocating sheets
wrapped around her like a cage of silk
she can feel something inside of her
bubbling up out of her throat
trying to depart from her lips to
become its own self
she clamps her lips shut around her
sharp new teeth, bulging from her gums
aching in her mouth and filling it with blood
in the morning there will be red
on the unripped sheets and
between her legs
but her teeth will be short and dull
and her fingernails will be bitten
to the quick the way they were
when she fell asleep

well i tried but now i don't like it so i took out some stuff and then ok so whatever

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 06:57:27 -0800

her hair is summer the roots of willows and gold coloured wildflowers sprouting from her scalp her body is winter thin bones under soft curves like a naked tree curled beneath a blanket of snow she breathes warm wet spring into my mouth while my i wrap my fingers around the branches of her hair the soft wisps of leaves tickling my palms and i think maybe i could fall into her autumn eyes, warm and safe like a burning ember and i think i could crawl underneath the blanket of bones and stay

wow life is pretty good right now so i won’t be posting any sad shitty poems for you assholes

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 19:25:00 -0800

wow life is pretty good right now so i won’t be posting any sad shitty poems for you assholes

This got real weird real fast

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 23:40:59 -0700

Sometimes it feels like you died. The dreams I have of you taste the same as the dreams I have of Robbie or my grandpa. They taste like a favourite food, half remembered. Like a scent you can’t quite place. They’re like a phantom pain on a limb you already lost. In my dreams of them, they’re just there. Nobody will look them in the eye. Nobody will say what everyone else is thinking. “You died and you shouldn’t be here. How can you be here?” But everyone tries to act as normal as possible, like they never left. That’s how dreams of you go. Like you never left. Like you didn’t let me rot in that hospital after making me think I’m not good enough for anyone to care about. Like I’m not good enough to love. In my dreams, you’re always smiling so wide that I think it must hurt you. You give me late birthday presents and hug me like you were out of town and not actually a five minute drive away hating my guts. You kiss my forehead and I almost forgive you. The dreams after that are scarier. They are willing to admit what they saw. They rake through my sleep like claws, pounding with drum-feet, and smiles with blood leaking from the corner of their mouth. These dreams are me, I think. They are like anger-beasts with their insides rotting, leaving piles of half digested greenwhite pills in their wake. They wail. They thrash. They ask if they are good enough. They keen and cry and rip into themselves with thoughts like shards of glass and when they’ve gotten everything out, you’re standing there staring. You turn your back on the wilting sorrow-laden beasts that are probably me and slowly walk away.

antidepressants y'all

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 00:34:58 -0700

i thought when i started
this new medication
zoloft
i would feel different
with other drugs
you feel wrong
like someone shot you
full of happiness
an artificial joy
that made things hazy
and strange
sometimes they make
you feel number
you feel like your brain
is filled with fog
you can’t cry
or get angry
you can’t even come
with this one
i feel the same
i still get sad and mad
but not so much
that i have to
hurt myself anymore
i still cry
this one hasn’t
taken that away
i cry when i stumble
upon pictures of you
on my computer
i still get angry
when i think about
how cruel a person can be
for no reason
but i don’t cry for days
and i don’t stay angry for weeks
i don’t tear up my legs
because i don’t need to
this time
antidepressants
haven’t taken me from myself
they’ve given me back

ok i was wrong i'm still moping

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 02:13:13 -0700

i am still growing
into my new skin
like a snake soon
i will shed the old me
and emerge new
it will be like
the scars were never there
and my insides
were never ripped to shreds
and i didn’t spend
all of my nights
tearing out handfuls
of hair using the pain
to ground me
and remind me that
this is not a dream
once i shed this skin
i will no longer
feel the weight
of this dead one
when i am ready
i will leave behind a thin
sheet of myself
a paperlike cocoon
worn and thin and used
like a love letter
read too many times
and my new self
will be so beautiful
that you can’t help
but weep

no more sad poems because i'm not sad anymore

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 10:25:19 -0700

day 13 - giving myself a super rare pep talk

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 01:12:37 -0700

don’t worry about
the things they whisper
about you behind your back
don’t listen to anything
they have to say
about you
everything you are
is exactly the way
you were meant to be
you are not a burden
when you were born
to a shy scared mother
and an angry abusive father
your life was
laid out for you
you would see and hear
horrible things
you would learn things
that turn your stomach
fate rolled a die
and gave you a gift
just like your mother
and her grandmother before you
you might want to
think of it as a curse
but it’s not
you will feel things
no one else can
you will love deeper
and more true than
anyone you know ever could
yes, you will have times
where you are too sad
to even cry
but this, too, is a gift
you will turn every single
tear that wasn’t shed
you will take the
fast beating blood
from your own heart
you will use them as ink
and create poems and stories
even if they are no good
you have created something
being able to create
destroy
love
lose everything and not
completely collapse
under the weight of
your gift
is a gift in and of itself

day 12

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 00:15:00 -0700

i have trapped her
in the dark of the
cold basement
behind the wall
of cobwebs
in the crawlspace
behind the wine racks
i’ve trapped her
over time i’ve watched
and waited
i’ve seen her shiny hair
turn to rats nests
dirty and dull
her eyes, once beautiful
and full of life
are now sunken
lifeless
every night i tell her stories
stories about
sweet little girls
with smiles like sunshine
overdosing and dying
princesses slicing up their arms
trying to find something
new underneath
queens with crowns
of gold and diamonds
the edges sharp like razors
slipping them
in between her own ribs
when her kingdom
has turned against her
the stories comfort her
like maybe if she can
keep me talking
i won’t hurt her again
but always after
the story is over
i slowly cut the dead
from me
and trade it
for what i cut from her
but as her skin yellows
and her teeth slowly rot
i know i will soon
have to find someone
new

i still dream of your mouth on mine of your hands in my hairand the electricityyou made me...

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 00:46:33 -0700

i still dream of
your mouth on mine
of your hands in my hair
and the electricity
you made me feel
shooting through
my body
i remember the first time
you called me pretty
i wanted to cry
and scream and kiss you
but you were
farther than i could travel
do you remember
that night you were drunk
one of many during
the christmas holidays
i said you were handsome
and made a joke about
you loving me
you asked if i loved you
and i asked if you loved me
“i don’t know” you said
i was seventeen
and i took it as permission
to love you
i don’t love you
but sometimes
in between texting cute girls
and flirting with doe eyed boys
i allow myself to
dream

day 10

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 00:39:49 -0700

when you meet her
you will want to
touch her golden hair
grasp it in your hands
and kiss her cheek
or her mouth even
she’s prettier than you
in a way that makes you
want to cry
but at the same time
you can see underneath
to the little girl
catching frogs
in her best friend’s pond
mud up to her waist
a little smeared on her cheek
and a laugh bubbling
out of her throat

i get like halfway through a poem and then i just get too tired to even try

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 22:45:52 -0700